December 11, 2022

Group direct messages

KADE: hey so what the fuck

ORPHEUS: what

KADE: Fucked up dream??? I met some

KADE: THING

KADE: and

KADE: zinglers

KADE: and shit

ORPHEUS: did you fall asleep watching the big bang theory or something

KADE: NO I don't watch that nerd shit

KADE: But are one of you planning something???

ORPHEUS: i mean yeah why

KADE: I got instructions from this creature thing

ORPHEUS: thats nothing to do with my plan

KADE: Oh.

HARMONIA: zinglers?

KADE: yes

KADE: actually

KADE: no L I think

HARMONIA: nodding

CLAIRE: Oh Roxy knows about that

KADE: Can you drag Roxy's ass in here or relay a message

CLAIRE: I can

CLAIRE: Hang on

ORPHEUS: before we talk about zlingers kade can you do me a favor

KADE: Yes I can

ROXY: sup guy s

ORPHEUS: Open the door and act like you have NO FUCKING IDEA Where it came from

ORPHEUS: thats all u gotta do

KADE: Howdy whore

KADE: Also gotcha

KADE: So

ORPHEUS: Go on act like it's a random anonymous object just don't break it or let anyone break it else I'll bite your balls off

There’s a loud knocking. After rubbing his head, Kade heads to the door and opens it. There's a radio on the doorstep. Like a generic mid 2000s radio with a microphone taped to it.

He picks it up with a hum, "What's this?"

It's a generic mid 2000s radio with a microphone taped to it. He taps it out of curiosity, then looks around.

"A" It flickers to life for a second before immediately turning back off.

"Okay. Gotcha."

It's not on. The radio isn't on. Kade looks for a fucking cord, but instead finds a switch on the front. It’s battery powered.

Luna suddenly disappears. He blinks upon seeing Luna suddenly disappearing, but then looks back to the radio. It definitely is a radio.

ORPHEUS: ok we can talk abt zinglers now

ROXY: zingers

KADE: okay you can't blame me if anyone else breaks it

ROXY: bazibgas

KADE: But yes zingers

KADE: bazinga

KADE: Get a small container and rather than having to kill them, collect a tear from each, it is like

KADE: Apparently a safe way of doing whatever?!?!

ROXY: i read the datters logs and writers website and the gander that appeared to oleander i think said to kill them

KADE: Is gander that weird looking motherfucker???

ROXY: white dog yeah

ROXY: had a dream w one a bit ago

ROXY: he actually mentioned you orpheus

ORPHEUS: What.

ROXY: just said you were a good friend idk

ROXY: cuz it gave me a hadal mask and i was like oh you have one of those

ROXY: but like the mask was alive lol

KADE: I think I had one of those bitches on me once

ORPHEUS: I KNEW KEEPING ONE OF THEM WAS A GOOD IDEA LOL

KADE: terrible experience 0/10

ORPHEUS: GOD KNOWS WHOEVER HAS THE OTHER 2 BROKE THEM

ROXY: idk but when i wore it frobwobber appeared

ROXY: and the mask said "she really killed it this game" and mr wobber ate my face

KADE: What

KADE: I HEARD THAT TOO

ROXY: did you hear the baseball bat and the crowd cheering?

ORPHEUS: I have not been playing piewrites

ORPHEUS: what the fuck

KADE: No something grabbed my ankles and I looked down and there was a fucking eye.

KADE: I DONT KNOW ANY OF THIS

ROXY: erm.. its ackshually wickheck now 🤓

ORPHEUS: :surprise_kuromi:

KADE: I'm just a little guy.

He switches it on. It turns on like normal, tuned in to radio station 444 SS. It's subtle static. Not too annoying but it's there. Kind of pulses, though? Like breathing? He taps the microphone some more, before placing it on the coffee table.

"awhugh WHGSASE bnkkjgtgh" Jarbled nonsense. There is an antenna on the radio. He sits down and starts trying to mess around with the antenna some.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Wait no stop that's good stop STOP" Insert staticky radio growling.

He stops it.

"Th- Th- Thankssss." From the other end is an unfamiliar, distinctly masculine voice. It's kind of hard to decipher anything else about it underneath all the radio static and feedback and stuttering fuckery. There's also a slight hiss? That might be an actual hiss and not just the static? Maybe??

He squints at the radio and takes his hands away, looking it down "No problem. Who's this?"

"N- N- No clue."

"No name? Any memories?"

"Not re- Really, no."

"Interesting. Hm.." He sits back on the couch

Lock walks in and sits by the wall. Kade waves.

The radio is still emitting that low static hum.

Lock has her ears folded back "What is that?"

"A funky little radio I found." Kade says

"What's a radio?" She glances at the sound

"The thing that plays music sometimes?"

"Oh" She nods

"Yeah! That thing!"

Cole shifts in his sleep slightly

"Insert random christ mess song here."

"Oh my fucking god." Kade complains

"What?" Lock asks.

"Christ mess."

"I- Is- Is that not how you're suppossed to sssay it?"

"No?"

The radio gives a distorted, staticy laugh. "W- We- Well fuck."

"How are you sentient?"

"How do y You- You think radios NORMALLY work??"

"I mean radios don't usually talk unless they have a mouth" Lock responds.

"...?????"

She waits for a response

"G- G- Girl, are you a little slow??"

"A little bit, I don't have long legs"

"Oh my god." Kade groans

The radio begins emitting a glitchy static laugh so loud it causes the audio to cut out a few times.

"Oh- Oh my go- God."

Lock puts her head down some "Is being short really that funny?"

"No, no, not at all, it's just not what it meant by slow."

Cole groggily wakes up and stares at the radio "....I wanna take it apart"

Oh y- Y- You're one of Th- Th- Those."

"No taking apart the radio." Kade says.

"One of what?" Lock and Cole ask in unison. Cole starts crawling over to the radio.

"D- Da- DAMNED I.T. GUYS."

"...now I really wanna take this radio apart, but no I'm just batshit insane" Cole chuckles. "You wanna talk about gravity?"

"The autism is kicking in already." Kade adds.

"What's your name radio?" Cole asks.

"Isn't tha- T a movie??? BIG GUY ANSWER THE LITTLE ONE FOR ME"

Lock tilts her head some

"Oh yeah, it doesn't remember its name. Didn't know ya could see us." Kade explains.

"I- I mean you were pretty t- ta- Tall when you picked me up, so."

"Can you eat food?" Lock asks.

"I am not little...." Cole complains

"You can t- t- Try to shove a cracker in my battery slot?"

"I'm the little one I'm pretty sure. My name is Lock" she says to the radio. "What's a cracker?"

"The square or round little crackly food things made of bread. I'm not used to this."

"What about fanta?"

Cole taps on the microphone. Tapping the microphone causes a big burst of audio static. "Can I put you in the washing machine? You sound smelly."

"Soda."

"I think any liquid w- will- will break me."

"Oh...no fanta then. But what do we call you?"

"How durable are you?"

"Wh- Wha- Whatever you want." It responds to Lock, and then to Cole, "I DON'T KNOW?!?!"

Cole goes to pick the radio up.

"Break the radio and i'll break your ass." Kade threatens

"You are now Erwin" Lock says with a smile.

Cole turns to kade and bites his lip

"FUCKING ER- wait what the fuck." Kade blinks

"Erwin the radio, how are you?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"...uhm...Erwin?"

Cole starts shaking the radio

"T- T- T- TELL HI- HIM TO P- PU- PUT ME D- DOWN AAAAAAAUWMRNAAAAAAMRHGRHEKFKNEGAUDKEKWNNDGRUWKRN" It devolves into garbled nonsense.

"HEY put Erwin down!" Lock commands

Cole keeps shaking the radio.

"MMMSHAYHJEMMAJYDYQTHXEMHATMRMRMMRMEMTATSTEHJRFOOEPPWIEYIRPRLNSGSGHDNHGAJAAAAA"

"Cole, put him down!"

Cole is now violently shaking the radio

"COLE"

"Radio demon I'm just saying, when you escape, get him first."

Cole stops shaking the radio and stares at it. It's silent aside from the static.

"You broke it!" Kade yells.

"No I didn't!"

"A- Are you f- Fi- Finished?" Erwin isn’t broken thankfully.

"Maybe" Cole is getting ready to shake it again

"Do not." Kade glares.

"I'm gonna do it" Cole responds with zero empathy.

"NO" Erwin says

"Do not." Kade says

"Does it hurt when I do this?" Cole starts shaking the radio

"NO"

"Can you look around you"

Lock quietly cries

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Kade looks between Lock and the radio. Cole stops shaking the radio. "You scream like a human."

The radio begins screeching through loud static again.

Luna enters the living room. "So uhh what's with the radio?"

"Found at doorstep, it speaks." says Kade.

"I see" she says with an eyebrow raised.

Lock continues crying

"Cole, look what you've done!" He heads over to Lock

"Imagine making your daughter cry. Couldn't be me." Luna SMH

Lock cries over the radio abuse

Luna goes to snatch the radio from Cole. "Give."

Cole gives Luna the radio. "Take it. Shake it to make it work."

"I will not shake it." Luna sighs and returns to the couch.

"Do not shake it." Kade says

Luna goes back to the couch.

The radio is making what seems like the sound vomiting static would make. "I H- H- HATE THAT ONE. WH- WHA- WHAT THE FUCK!!!!??"

"I am so sorry about him. He like shaking people like a soda can. And radios apparently. Anyway, my name is Luna."

”Hi. Th- The small one named me Erwin.”

"I'm gonna shake it again...." Cole stares at the radio

"Small on-- oh you mean Lock. Erwin is a cute name" she giggles. Luna pulls the radio even closer to her then turns to Cole with a glare. "Over my dead body."

Lock sniffs as she wipes her eyes "Please be nice to Erwin"

"Seriously, Erwin probably wants something from us. We may as well be kind back."

"H- Hu- Huh? Why wou- Would you th- Think that?"

Luna just pauses dead in her tracks. After maybe a minute of silence, she finds an excuse feeling awkward as hell.. "uhhh its just a c-common thing around here, I didn't mean to offend.. sorry Erwin."

Cue staticy laughter. "Don't worry. I'm ki- ki- kind of just… Here."

"Thank you Erwin." she sounds relieved. If Luna had a dollar for every entity she's pissed off in the past year and change, she'd probably be rich by now.

"I don't think I can live with calling it Erwin." Kade groans

"C- Ca- Call me whatever, then. I'm n- no- Not picky."

Oleander walks in. "Radio?"

"The radio's name is Erwin"

"It has a name??"

"I gue- G- Guess!"

"Just keep the radio away from Cole, lest he shakes it more like a damn caveman."

"IT TALKS BACK?!?@?" Oleander jumps

"I know right? Doesn't even have a mouth"

"Wild"

"It also apparently has eyes somewhere. It knew Lock was small." Luna squints at the radio.

"That's cause I said I had short legs"

"Oh. That works too." Luna chuckles.

"Hey Erwin" Lock says.

"What?"

Oleander picks up the radio, examining it

"What does having plastic skin feel like?"

"Very s- s- Sssturdy."

Oleander fucking sniffs it. "Who are you??? Where are you??"

The radio was gently wiped down with baby wipes within the past 24 hours. "Wh- Wha- What do you m- Mean where am I?"

"Youre talking to us from somewhere, right?" Oleander asks

"Erwin is the radio. ...right?" Lock adds.

"As f- Fa- Far as I kn- Kn- Know, yeah."

"Odd though. With the amount of hissing, I kind of thought it was some kind of snake demon?" Luna says.

"M- M- Maybe?"

"Why are you stuttering?" Lock wonders.

"I d- D- Don't ssstutter!" Erwin stutters.

"Probably the radio doing that." Kade hums, sitting back.

"They are the radio"

"The uh, connection or whatever."

"But if they're the radio itself, then connection quality shouldn't matter right?"

Kade shrugs "I am not a smart person."

Cole is staring at the radio

"I D- DO- DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKSSS BUT DON'T SSSH- SSSHAKE IT AGAIN BECAUSE I DE- DEFINITELY FEEL IT" The audio gets more staticy as it speaks louder. Plus, as previously mentioned, the white noise when they aren't speaking pulses as if imitation breathing.

"Noted."

"I'm not gonna let him shake you." Her ears are flattened as she grunts.

"Th- Thankss."

"Of course Erwin."

"Wait so you are the radio? What the fuck." Oleander sets it down.

"Why is that so surprising?"

"Why wouldnt it be surprising???"

"???"

"How the fuck do radios work in your world???"

"Is this normal to you Lock?" Luna tilts her head.

"I mean I literally am one too"

"You’re. a radio!??!?!" Oleander flabbergasts to Lock.

"Yeah I'm Datrrs" She taps the side of her head

"Huh...."

"I see what you mean. I usually equate Datrrs to a phone system, but a radio makes sense too."

"Neat."

Oleander just looks really confused. Kade sits there.

Around this time, Ivy and Ari enter the living room. Erwin asks Cole to install a webcam on the radio so it could actually see. And after it was installed, Ivy pokes it causing Erwin to scream in pain. Afterwards, Lock makes a suggestion.

"What if you remotely connected to my systems? Would you be able to walk around for a bit?" Lock asks

"Would that even work Lock?" Luna goes to hand the radio off to her.

"Wh- Wh- What do you mean by th- Tha- That, Lock?"

"Like if you had a wireless connection to my phone parts, you could see what walking around is like for a little bit"

"What would happen with you??"

"Honestly no clue. But I am really curious."

"Well, the radio does have an antenna. Maybe that'll do for a wireless connection?" Luna asks.

"Well, I d- d- don't think that's n- ne- Necessarily needed? S- ss- Ssswitch the radio freque- Frequency!"

"Which one?"

"The one I- I- I'm on."

"Which one is that?"

"Ssssomeone help."

Luna looks at the radio's current frequency. It’s currently on 444SS. "So basically tune Lock's frequency to the radio's?"

"Alright" Lock looks over at the ground as she thinks for a moment.

"I've never even heard of SS. Fm and Am sure."

Lock begins emitting a low static hum.

"..."

"."

She looks up at Luna.

"IS TH- TH- THISSS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO B- BE SSSHORT?????"

"Welcome to my world Erwin." she sighs.

"Imagine being short couldn't be me." Kade says.

...They look around and squint at Isaac, who is sleeping. "TH- THIS GUY EXISSSTS????"

"What guy?" Kade asks.

Erwin points at Isaac

"I don't see anyone?"

"Is Lock off a perc or something?" Ivy asks

They flip off Ivy and immediately jump back with screech. "OW????" They shake their right hand as if it was zapped "Owch oww oww."

"...can I break that radio?"

"Damn, no bad finger allowed..Also no, you will also have your ass shattered."

Erwin stares at the door into the kitchen and then to Luna. "Is she like. D- Deathly allergic to p- P- Peanuts or something I should kn- Know?? Like. Diabetes or. E. Coli."

"...would it be morally correct if I gave Lock a joint right now..." Ivy wonders

"I have no idea Erwin. That's more a question for Cole? And Ivy no." she sighs

Erwin walks into the kitchen with a sigh. Luna follows. They look around the kitchen and point at the microwave. "Wh- What the fuck is that."

"Erm... a microwave? It heats food up and burns robotic plushies to a crisp."

"Can I put a fork in i- It?"

"You can, but it'll explode the microwave."

"Ne- Neat." They chuckle, opening the fridge.

Luna goes to sit at the table and snaps her laptop in.

They grab a can of monster and a loaf of toast. They pop open the can of monster, pour out the monster into a glass cup, put the empty can of monster in the microwave for 2 minutes, and sit on the floor watching it while eating exclusively the middle of the bread slices.

"Uhm. What? Why?" she's so fucking confused 😭

Kade's grilled meatloaf cries as it goes another day without use.

"I am s- s- sso violently underssstimulated." They say with a smile.

"Right.." she shudders and then goes back to the living room. Luna walks back in looking uncomfortable as hell.

"What's up?"

"I have no idea what the hell Erwin is on, but it makes me really uncomfortable. They make dogboy cuisine look like fine dining. And um.. I don't trust them alone in the kitchen, but I don't have the willpower to watch over them."

He chuckles, "Can't be that bad- what was that."

"... that might have been the microwave.. they asked about metal objects." she facepalms.

"Ah. Right." He heads to the kitchen to look at the chaos

Luna doesn't handle gremlin energy very well. This is why you don't ask her to babysit.

Kade enters to look at the damage. They take the empty toast bag and refill it with the toast crusts, grabbing the cup of monster energy and DRINKING IT. Then, they walk outside.

Kade looks over to the fucking exploded microwave and shrugs, picking the remnants up "Waste not want not."

They walk back in empty handed. Kade looks over. "That was quick."

"Yeah."

"Did you have fun?" he sets the michael wave on the table

They nod.

"Good. I have a question, do you know if Lock has any signs of ligma?"

"Awww ssssh- sssh- ssshit. I don't know??"

"Ligma balls."

They immediately disconnect from Lock's body before they can start violently sobbing.

Lock shakes her head some and puts a hand to her head.

He blinks for a moment "You good?"

"Why does it feel like I tried to put my hand through my head? Why is my heart fast? What's happening?"

"Uhhhh. You drank monster I think and ate bread."

"I DRANK A WHOLE PERSON?!?!"

"No- no, it's, it's an energy drink. I."

"You can drink energy???"

"Kind of?!? Well. Yes, actually. Don't worry about it!"

"Nonono what's in energy? There's certain things I can't have" Her hands are shaking slightly

"Caffeine? That's all I know."

"I can't have that-I can't have that-I can't have that-I can't have that-oh god" She looks down at her hands and takes deep breaths

"Hey, hey, it's alright- You're going to be alright." He takes a step closer, looking around "I think water could like, dilute it probably?"

"I-Im hadal, I have too much energy and my hadal files are going to fail- my cpu will crash- I will literally go insane untill Someone can shut it all off" She speaks faster as she panics

"..Oh, I see, Just focus on deep breaths, alright? I'll see if anyone can help." He peeks into the living room.

Kade peeks in "Assistance."

Cole gives a thumbs up as he continues humming.

"Heh?" Luna asks.

"Erw-- I'm not saying that fucking name, drank monster."

Cole stops humming and stares at Kade "you’re joking right?"

He shakes his head "Yes, i'm joking about something I JUST LEARNED!!"

"They were in Lock's body."

Cole scrambles to his feet and sprints to the kitchen

Luna follows behind.

Lock is shakily taking deep breaths but failing

Cole sprints in and kneels down in front of Lock. "So uh do you know why you aren't shutting down?"

She shakes her head

Kade brings his head back in and sorta just watches, lingering by the table

Luna walks in and watches from the sidelines.

Cole starts to panic as he sighs "Lock, can I knock you out with my fist? Your CPU is about to overload."

"W-what???"

"I mean what else can we do? If the cpu overloads, does that mean she goes Hadal mode?"

"Correct Luna. CPU overloads and the arm shuts down"

Luna nods and prepares for the worst. "Lock, I would recommend letting Cole knock you out. I promise he's not doing this to hurt you. And I don't break promises. No matter what."

"O-okokok, do it" She winces

Cole closes his eyes and punches lock in the face hard enough to knock her out

Luna turns away on impact.

Lock is hit and there's an instant feeling of bad luck

"...oh motherfucker. We might be in for the long haul." she shivers and snaps her weapons to her side.

"Shit" Cole goes to grab Lock by the scruff.

Lock giggles some. The hatchet on her back glows

"outside outside outside outside outside" Cole sprints out of the back door.

"Here we go. Hadal Lock boss battle." Luna teleports outside immediately.

Luna appears in the backyard, ready to defend and attempt to tire out. Cole sprints outside with Lock by the scruff and sits them down in the middle of the grass.

Outside only in the backyard the sky is blue and there are pine trees. Lock gets up and is giggling to herself.

"And this is why we don't trust possessed radios." Luna grumbles.

Cole watches while Lock gets the hatchet off her back and holds it with both hands. She starts cackling. Cole's jacket rips as metal strips float next to him

"Holy shit, father like daughter." Luna chuckles and pulls out her ichor blade.

"This feels AMAZING GREAT WONDERFUL! Why don't I let this happen more often?!?" Her voice slowly shifts into something more expressive and unfamiliar

Cole and Luna silently watch.

"Come on!!! Let's get this started huh?" Lock snickers. Luna and Cole refuse to make the first move. As such, she slings the hatchet at Cole's face.

A metal strip blocks the hit as another metal strip forms a small box and aims a strike at Lock's face. Luna runs up to Lock and attempts to punch Lock's forehead aiming to knock her out.

Lock ducks rather quickly as the hatchet appears in her hands again. She swings at Luna's legs.

Luna rolls out of the way of the hatchet swing before it strikes. She backs up afterwards. "Son of a bitch."

"Callin Cole a bIIIttchhh???" She snickers

Ironically, Luna is talking about herself, but that's a story for another day. "Nah, don't worry about it." Luna unsheathes her ichor blade and prepares for the next attack.

Isaac sprints out the door and tackles Lock

"There it is." Cole groans and goes to pull Isaac off of Lock. Isaac is pulled off as Lock swings at Isaac's leg.

Cole kicks Lock's arm away and starts backing away with Isaac.

Luna attempts to put Lock into a psychic hold. Lock backs up as a snowman the size of Lock appears and is put in the hold instead.

Luna immediately defocuses off the snowman substitute and attempts another psychic hold on Lock.

She quickly steps back again as another snowman is put in the hold instead. Lock climbs up one of the trees.

Frost forms at Cole's feet as he drops Isaac. "Get down from that tree right now missy!" He stares.

Lock overhand throws the hatchet at Cole's face but it catches some and goes for his gut.

Frost rises from the ground and blocks the hatchet. Frost starts spreading to the tree.

Luna launches one of the snowballs from the snowmen substitutes right at Lock aiming to knock her off the tree. "Take this! Snowball Strike!"

The snowball hits her and she giggles. The hatchet appears in her hand again.

Luna steps on one and gasps in pain. "Spikes now? Okay, Spikes meet Levitate." She snaps her finger and summons her broomstick. She floats over the spike layer.

The frost covering Cole's feet protects him as a frost ball appears in his hand and he throws it at Lock. The frost ball shatters as Lock is hit as some frost covers parts of her arms.

Lock phases into the tree and is gone. Cole stares at the tree.

"...the hell???" Luna flies around the area trying to keep watch of Lock.

Lock hangs upside down from one of the branches nearby and throws a snowball at the back of Luna's head

It hits and she launches a snowball made with the Spiked Ice right back at Lock. A bit more weight to this one, a lot more ow if it hits. The snow ball that it her has shards of glass, she gets hit in the arm and laughs

Luna is bleeding a little bit now and keeps a paw on the back of her head. She continues to launch more and more Spiked Ice balls at Lock with her psychic powers, aiming to deal as much damage as possible.

Cole just watches

Lock pulls herself up into the pine needles out of sight

"Of course." Luna keeps making more ice balls as they float around her. She's ready to strike when necessary. If only Cole could reboot Lock somehow...

Cole stares at Lock. "three...two...and..."

The entire backyard returns to normal as she falls out of the tree and lands in a pile of snow with a thump

"One" Cole walks over to Lock and checks her over for any wounds. She has a bruise on her head from crushing a can and bruise on her shoulder from a packed snowball.

Cole shrugs and scoops her up "just bruised"

Luna notices everything back to normal and lands back on the ground. "Everything good now?" Her paw is still covering the back of her head, which is bleeding a fair amount from broken glass.

"Yeah, do you need healing or something?” Cole's head tilts slightly

Luna nods with a couple tears in her eyes and shows Cole her damage. "broken glass snowball.."

Cole sighs "you'll be fine." He holds lock with one arm and asks, "you ready for me to take the shards out?"

"Yeah go ahead." She braces herself.

Cole takes the shards out and heals Luna. "There you go."

She winces a little bit, but is otherwise okay. "Thank you, I genuinely don't know what I would do without you Cole." there are tears in her eyes. In any case, Luna walks back inside and snaps the broomstick back into the closet. Cole walks back inside with Lock in arms.

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